Playing the blame (guilt) game, ugh! But, I am where I am (as Abraham says) so, it’s gotta be okay. I am where I am in the middle of dis-ease, or grief, or shame, or self-loathing, or x-y-z, but, I am where I am and it’s okay. Why is it okay? Because I am where I am and I’ve got no other choice. Except to consciously take steps to improve my feelings, and reach a better feeling place. I want to feel better. I know it’s possible, but in “this moment”, my “now”, I am where I am!
I thought it might help me (and maybe others reading this who unfortunately fall into grief and despair), if I write down a couple of ways I worked through my pain over putting my beloved (almost 14 year old) best furry friend, Lou-Lou’s Beau “down”. (By the way, why the hell do they call it “putting him/her down” anyway? I think it should be “released” because my intention was to release him from his pain! Ugh!
I also do EFT tapping using these statements which, helps to calm me and provide emotional relief. So here we go. Abraham (from the book, “Ask and It Is Given” state there are 22 groups of emotions one can be in, in any point in time. #22 is the lowest vibration, the bottom of the list. The lowest of the lows. So that’s where I start. Not to wallow, but you gotta start somewhere and that’s where I was the day I let Beau “go”.
The intention of “Ask and It Is Given” is to help us locate where we are, what state we’re in emotionally, at any given point, and move UP to a better feeling place on the list. The following are my words, using their numbering scale. I am not plagiarizing – but if you follow their list, you’ll see where I’m getting the terms from. Also, this is going to take awhile, so you may want to check back in a week or so to see how I’m doing, as my intention is to climb the emotional guidance ladder to a better feeling place.
22) I can find all kinds of reasons to feel guilty at this point (and I am talking “to” Beau at this point):
- I could have researched more about your eye problem;
- I could have had your eye removed;
- I could have changed my mind, at any point, during the last year and a half regarding, “no more surgery” on you, after you had the kidney / bladder stone surgery.
- Stupid insensitive me held a belief, for some reason, that you shouldn’t have any more surgeries. Why?!? That was a limiting belief! Ugh!
- I was so afraid you couldn’t take another surgery. You’re older, you aren’t strong enough (Who the hell am I to judge that?)
- I’ve bought other things this year that I could have spent that money on you instead. You were much more important to me!!
- I could have spent every waking moment with you, instead of going shopping, or going to a class, or working! (Okay, really?)
- I miss you so much! I hurt because you are not here! I miss holding you, caring for your eyes, taking you to the groomer, feeding you, and walking with you!
- You were powerless and I feel horrible that you tried to tell me what to do but I didn’t listen, didn’t realize when you face planted off the couch that you were trying to pop your own eye out to relieve your pain and heal your body! Ugh?
- I am in despair that I now have learned that I could have asked one of your previous veterinarian’s to remove your eye! Actually none suggested that to me or we would have done that with the first eye then maybe the second eye would never had gone bad!!
- What is the point of living this life when everything / everyone dies eventually?!? This is depressing!
- My mom loved you (and Lou-Lou) so much too! She didn’t get to say good-bye to you! Waaaaa!!
21) I am feeling so unworthy of all the trust you placed in me to care for you.
- Unworthy of your unconditional love!!! Gasp!
- I feel such guilt for not doing ALL I could have for you!
- My ignorance should be no excuse!!
20) I am jealous that the neighbor’s dog is probably older than you, but he’s still around!
- He seems to be doing fine.
- Oh, but he’s a mixed breed.
- I never get jealous… but I am in this moment!
- Others around us, they seem to be able to “go on living” without any thought about what we’re going through! The nerve! (I know, emotions are not logical!)
19) I feel anger at myself for not doing more! But, how much more could I “really” do?
- Anger at the doctors, especially that opthamologist we saw a year a a half ago for not offering the eye removal option!!
- They just wanted me to keep bringing you back to them every three months for a refill script / recheck for a compounded eye drop that you’d supposedly need every day of your life (mail order available only from NJ!!). Such bullshit!!
19) I am discouraged that other people and doggies have to go through this trauma too!!
- What discourages me is the inevitability of it all!
- Why live this life if it’s all so futile?
- Look how adorable both you (and Lou-Lou) were back in the day (2008) with my mom!
18) I don’t feel revenge – yet.
Wait, perhaps I do! I think I understand the revenge thing now. I feel that for myself. So, anger turned outward is revenge or spite. But, anger turned INWARD is depression, guilt, or self-loathing.
17) I am angry at myself for not being more bold on your behalf! But, I know you couldn’t live in your physical body forever. Ugh! This anger really feels strong in my body. I think yes, anger turned inward, to myself, causes depression, sadness, and pain.
16) I am discouraged.
- I am disheartened that you suffered needlessly for months, (Gasp!) God forbid, more than a year!!
- I am utterly discouraged with some of the veterinarian’s we went to over the years.
- What about the guy who told me you just had “old doggy eye”. Jesus! Was he for real?
- Then the next doctor, who I really liked, when I told him what the previous doctor had said, did not disagree with him, but did suggest more medications for you. And that I should take you to an opthamologist, which I did.
- I am discouraged for others, that they’ll have to find a way, and figure this stuff out – even while their doggies (or cats) suffer needlessly. Why can’t we just “know” it all? Why can’t we go to one person, Google it, or read a book to find out?
- Why all of this time seemingly wasted on the “trying” to figure it out?
15) I blame myself for your pain.
- I will never trust myself to ever have another pet.
- I am horrible! Besides, I could never replace YOU!
- You were my best boy and best doggy EVER. Period!
- This is the worst ever feeling!
- I am so sorry Beau!!!
- I trusted professionals to help (oh, maybe now I feel vengeful?) the experts should have given us the option a year ago to have your eye removed!
14) I am worried if I did the right thing in “releasing” you.
- My adult children (thank you sweet ones) have comforted me, saying I did, but I have all of these questions racing through my mind. Angst!
- I almost never worry, but I am holding my worry finger (as I learned in Jin Shin Jyutsu) so I must be worried.
- I feel the need to harmonize my worry over your suffering.
- You almost never showed discomfort! But that didn’t mean you didn’t feel discomfort! Oh Beau! My best boy!
13) Doubt. Didn’t what I just say, show how much doubt I am in? Doubt and worry seem so tightly joined!
- I doubt that I did the right thing (releasing you from your physical body), and then I doubt that I waited too long to do it!
- I can’t make up my mind at all when I am in doubt.
- I am mentally running to and fro!
- This is sickening!
- I cannot allow myself to stay in doubt for too long. I will make my stomach upset. I will make myself crazy… okay I might already be on “that train”. Hmmm
- I doubt that I’ll get “your” ashes back, and what would I do with them anyway?
- I doubt that your physical remains will comfort me. I took a lock of your fur – that comforts me a little.
- I doubt I’m going to feel any better today.
12) I am so ridiculously disappointed in myself.
I should have known better, and not stopped researching until I totally resolved your eye issues.
Why? Because I recall a dog trainer I had taken Lou-Lou to for several weeks, years ago told me, “The dog is this tall, but you are this tall! You can see things and make the choice to avoid them!” Truer words have never been spoken. Even if you are five feet tall, you are taller than your dog and can navigate them through life.
11) I am overwhelmed by sadness.
- I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.
- I look at your picture on my desk at work, and I cry.
- I start to talk about you to someone, and I cry.
- But I am starting to see that sometimes, I don’t cry.
- And that makes me know that I am definitely reaching, trying to find, a better feeling place – even if just for a few seconds or minutes in between thoughts of you.
- Thoughts of missing you so very much.
- I was overwhelmed with responsibilities and did not place you in a higher priority of concern.
- I am overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends during this time (though I do not feel deserving of it).
10) I am frustrated and irritated with the way I handled, or failed to appropriately handle my grief. Okay though, that’s one reason I am working through the emotions via this blog.
Oh, a few people attempted to encourage me out of my sadness, but yes, that just irritated me more!
9) I guess I am being quite pessimistic right now, never wanting another pet.
8) I sense boredom is around the corner for me.
But wait, I’ve got a ton of pictures of you that I can share. And I found where I had made a Daily Puppy page for you years ago — HERE
And, the author of a book I am editing offered me her sincere words of compassion when she emailed me:
“Your beautiful and precious dog will be by your side forever more.” Thank you my dear, Lela Starseed.
7) Will I ever feel content again? You used to make me feel content when you would lay on the couch with me!
6) Will I ever feel hopeful again? I hope you are running, jumping, and playing in your Spirit ethereal body that is whole and new!!
- On the day of your release, our new vet told me that you’d meet Lou-Lou again at the Rainbow Bridge (and we laughed for a moment, that you may not want to!) then I said, “Beau, look for your tall white dog friend!”
- A couple days later, I’m calling in my family who passed, to find you.
I remember when I was a child, other kids would say, “don’t have a pity party”, during times when I displayed sadness. I also know self pity can be self destructive. How can we balance all of these feelings, when Recovery groups tell us we must allow ourselves to “feel our feelings”?
I know I need to move out of, rise above, the feelings of sadness about Beau.
- I am hopeful that as, We Are All Connected, you have reconnected with my family who loved you too! Oh… this is how I can reach for hopeful feelings! This is hope!
5) Everything I have learned about ‘life after death’ tells me, ANYTHING is possible!
- I can feel optimism for you when I visualize you with a big white dog!
- Was it an English Setter that you fell so in love with?
- I have been researching this, and asking others, because I am still trying to pull myself, consciously, up this list (to feel better)!
4) I am attempting to reach for thoughts of positive expectation, to believe you live on – somewhere.
- While visualizing you crossing over the Rainbow Bridge, I see you dancing for a big white dog!
- Perhaps, you’re even frolicking!?!
- I focus on the fact that you’re no longer suffering.
- I know you’re out of pain.
3) Oh, how in the world can I be happy? How can I feel enthusiasm / eagerness again – about anything?
- I know that “life goes on”. I don’t like it, so now, I’m back to #9.
- I know the emotional guidance system is not linear. I will go up and down this ladder many times over – for as long as it takes.
- I know you’re out of pain.
2) I know passion is out there. In my future.
- I remember the passion I had when you first came into my life. How small you were!
- I remember sweetly, what it felt like to nurture, train, feed, bathe, and care for you.
1) I know joy is out there. In my future, I will remember how much joy you brought me. Those memories will have to sustain me, because you’re no longer here! Sniff!!! Tear. I miss you so very much! But somehow, I will smile again when I think of you. Someday, I will smile and not get a tear in my eye.
- Because I will ALWAYS appreciate having had you in my life.
- Because I know how to empower myself, to reach for better feeling thoughts, via multiple emotional healing modalities – yes, even at the lowest of times.
- Because I know you’re FREE! You’re experiencing FREEDOM. Oh, sweet ultimate freedom!
- I am grateful, so beautifully grateful, to have experienced your love, and to have loved you!
Beau came to show me that Lou-Lou loved me unconditionally too, but in a different way. She just expressed unconditional love differently than him!
Remembering the wonderful way my beautiful granddaughter would say, “Awe!” When I would lift Beau to the camera to say hello to her when we would Google Hangout or Skype. She would say that with such a compassionate voice, just like she knew how he was feeling, or just because as a child, she loves furry creatures. I don’t know, but it warms my heart to recall how she said it.
Talking with a friend and relating a memory about a time when we were walking and someone yelled at me to get Beau away from their grass, I looked up at the sky and exclaimed, “thank you Beau! I will never have to go through that again!”
- All of this knowledge, it is helping me to feel better. And I am open to receive more knowledge.
UPDATE 25-Oct-2015: Just when I had begun, and I do mean “begun” to feel I’d worked through all of my feelings (figured out how to get all the way to number one on the emotional guidance scale… I slid right back down to #15 (at least) and started crying when my beautiful little four year old granddaughter asked to “see Beau” while we were on video conference tonight! Damn, where was my emotional balance that had begun to feel better? It all went to shit, and fast. I had to jump right back on here and read my list again!!
UPDATE 27-Oct-2015: My wonderfully supportive husband put a big picture of you (Beau) on our iMac desktop. When I sat down at the computer and touched it, lighting up the desktop to reveal your picture, I gasped, “Oh, Beau!” and then, “Oh, thank you hubby! What beautiful thing to do!” It was this close-up of Beau taken about six or seven years ago. He was in perfect health! But, I started to cry…
UPDATE 28-Oct-2015: I don’t know what happened. But, when I came home from work today (after having my Pilates workout), I signed onto the computer, saw Beau’s close-up picture and I smiled! Yes, finally! It’s been a week now after his passing and I can actually smile and think of GOOD memories when I see his picture. This is wonderful progress back to my normal emotionally balanced set point. We went to dinner also, and I was able to show the picture I took of the computer desktop, 1) to give my husband props for doing this, and 2) to show off Beau. He’s such a cutie. I was able to talk about him and not cry. I still miss him, and yes, I catch some emotion in my throat when I go to plug my phone in, near where his water bowl was, but I am letting go of the overwhelming emotions.
A week later I still cry when I look at his picture (not every time, but often). So, why? Because I miss him!
I still feel guilt about not doing more sooner to alleviate his infection / illness. (even guilt about perhaps I should have put him down sooner!)
I could allow myself to feel guilty about EVERYTHING to do with his ill health but, in reality, I know I tried. As my kids and I have discussed many times, we can only do the best we can about anything at any given time based on the information we understand at the time.
I must give myself a break.
UPDATE 1-Nov-2015: I updated this post with pictures of Beau. After meditating yesterday, doing a journeying process at Alania’s studio
, I am, just this morning, able to go through all of the pictures and videos I have of Beau (and Lou-Lou) and find special ones to share — without crying. I am finally, now, at a point where I have some emotional balance about everything that happened. All of the good, the utter joy of having Beau in my life, and the not-so-good stressful times… during his ills.
I wrote a eulogy for Beau, a little at a time, during the ‘decision’ time. I shared it on Facebook then, but not here — until now. This is the link to it — HERE
UPDATE 7-Nov-2015: My dad and mom have a mixed breed who had puppies three months ago. When we visited, my dad really wanted me to have one of the three puppies. I just couldn’t do it. Too many reasons. One, it was just too soon. And two, I still don’t know if I ever want another. But, I know it might be the last gift my parents are able to give me. Ugh! And yes, the puppies are oh, so cute! There is a black, brown, and reddish colored one – she’s the smallest. Adorable! Almost a Yorkie. Then a snow white one, a bit bigger. She’s also a girl. What a princess. All of their personalities are similar to Beau’s. Quite docile. Then a beige or light golden boy. He is the largest of the three, just a bit smaller than his mom and all three are three months old. How much bigger will they get? My son put an ad on Craig’s list. We sat there all afternoon meeting with would be “parents”. One young man took Princess home, bathed her, only to return her awhile later. His girlfriend did not agree in their having a second dog. But awhile later, she was adopted by another young couple. We were glad to be able to meet and visit with each adopting couple, so we knew they were going to good homes. The next morning, after I left, my son let me know the third, the golden boy, was also adopted by an older married couple. Ah! Because when I had left he was giving me those “eyes” like,
Why aren’t you taking me?” — that broke my heart.
At any rate, that day, I talked with my dad and he said the mommy, Sunday, was still crying and looking for her puppies. Had they waited too long to let the puppies go?
UPDATE 10-Nov-2015: Dad called me and was still upset about all the puppies being gone and said Sunday is still crying for them. I am at a loss except that I think perhaps I should send Sunday a nice stuffed animal to have. I also researched and found that when we (the people) are still upset, the dogs will pick up on our feelings and display similar emotions.
UPDATE 11-Nov-2015: I Google Hangout with my granddaughter and show her my two stuffed doggies that my husband bought me years ago, that resemble our Beau (and Lou-Lou). She seemed really happy that I had them, and she accepted my short story about Beau crossing the Rainbow bridge and being healthy and happy now. And that he had left us these “replicas” of them for us to remember them by. I still have my moments when I cry. But, I know that in the big scheme of things, that’s okay.
So, yes this has all definitely been a process. The goal was to be able to reach for any of the thoughts higher than #11 I guess, in order to be in a so-so kind of minimum good feeling place about Beau not being here anymore. Obviously, being at #1 or #2 all the time (about his not being here in the physical realm) was something, at that time, I never thought could happen. But, some of those thoughts, along with most of the thoughts being in the good feeling range, eventually helped me overcome the feeling of wanting to burst into tears when anyone asked about him, or when I would see another Shih-Tzu that looks like him, etc.
I have talked with others who have told me they still cry, years later, about the loss of their pet. And as an empath, I feel very deeply. I knew if I could figure out a way, or at least, “allow” myself the space to exist where I could attempt to feel better, it would help me, emotionally. Holding onto hurt, loss, guilt, grief, and all of those painful feelings can cause dis-ease in the body (which, I want to avoid if possible).
I hope others can benefit (at least a little bit) from my process. Love and many blessings to all (furry and human).