Reflections on love and actions
Two years ago, after the death of my dad, I wrote this as I was pondering how we love others, or say we do, but our actions may not reflect love:
I love you, but I have to do XYZ to fulfill some need.
I love you, but you’ll never know everything about me.
I love you, but I don’t have the wherewithal to be considerate of what you may have to deal with when I’m gone.
I love you, but I’m busy.
I love you, but I don’t know what I can do to help you.
I love you, but I have my own life.
I love you, but I am still learning.
I love you, but I haven’t polished my crystal ball to know what you need.
I love you, but though I talk to everyone in the world and should know how to ease the process you will go through after I die, I don’t think I will die, so there’s no need to set everything up, pre-need funeral/cremation/burial, right of survivorship, etc. it can be done another day.
I love you, but I don’t live for you.
I love you, but as mad as you may get at me, you’ll learn your own lessons from this.
I love you, but this experience will cause you to consider your loved ones more.
Hugs and kisses!
I shared this piece with friends on Facebook at the time, to meager response. And it wasn’t important to me how many saw it, liked, or loved it. My best friend from 4th grade (who always “gets me” responded and this is what I replied to her:
Thank you for “seeing” me. For “seeing” my process and intent through this post. I am happy to report that I was only angry for a very short while. The anger that is a part of grief. Mom and dad did the best they could with the information they understood at the time.
So, yes, I was making notes of the thoughts that came as I proceeded to find the lesson for me in all of this. I can’t change what was done/not done, but I can sure set things up now for my kids, so they don’t have to pay out of pocket and go through probate, etc. when I leave this earth.
It has been healing for me to separate my emotions from the actions that occurred by journaling the various things I learned through this so-called “death” process.
You know, mostly there is only an earthly death. At least I believe it’s only the physical stuff that dies. Our love, soul, and spirit lives on. And that gives me hope and a way to see beyond all the mundane.
I want to add that I hope this helps someone because we don’t know what we don’t know.
Funeral home arrangements, and why pre-need is important
Now, that was two years ago and it is time for me to follow through and setup my own pre-need natural burial arrangements.
I never knew that funeral homes could charge you money to see your loved one after they take the body.
Yes, there are questions one should ask before allowing a funeral home to take a body.
In our case, my adult son found my dad, (he had passed away in his sleep), and while we were driving the 2.5 hours to get to where they lived, the sheriff deputies had already done their job and a funeral home had picked up my dad’s body. By the time we arrived at the funeral home, they said I would have to pay them $200 if I wanted to see my dad! That’s something people never tell you.
Also, it was the funeral home, not the sheriff’s office, who kept everything in a locker that they had taken out of my dad’s pockets (as apparently he had slept in his clothes and had loose cash in different pockets, not only in his wallet). And the funeral home didn’t offer to give me my dad’s personal possessions, nor was I of a mind to ask, when they were asking me for $200!
Had I known, I would have given them the $200 dad had on his person (which I had to go back and ask for two weeks later after someone suggested I ask). It’s just something that nags at me, like an open loop. I know I may not have wanted to see my dad’s body, my son told I wouldn’t, but I can’t help but feel if I had known what was in dad’s pockets, I would have paid the funeral home their “fee.”
Speaking of funeral homes, be prepared to pay something out of your own pocket for your family member, otherwise they will not even pick up the body. And most don’t offer ANY arrangements, not even cremation, (and not including any viewing or service), for less than $2,000 (in the USA).
Let me know in the comments if you want to know more like this and I’ll write another article. I don’t want to be morbid.
A bit about me, your Spiral Sister
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